sometimes i feel like the only person in the world. i could be in a crowd, could be with loved ones and yet feel invisible and alone. loneliness and fear two things that make you do things beyond your imagination. you could agree to be friends with a complete stranger and just let them into your life whereas normally you would never do such a thing. especially if youre like me, im way too paranoid normally.
you see people that get together on a regular basis and have loads of fun but that just happen for me. i feel like im just hanging in the air having to wait for things and have no definite answer about what will happen. certainty for some people can bring stability to life. though everything shouldnt be certain because then theres no room for going with the flow. but you know just feeling panicky all the time, constantly anxious about life, walking through life on eggshells, never knowing whats coming round the corner, obviously its going to be something bad because thats just my luck. a complicated person living an extremely complicated life. multiple identities, multiple lives. i know a lot of people that would kills to live secretive lives, living as a covert. its not fun at all. the movies may make it look so cool but in reality its a very lonely world. i would kill to have a normal 'boring' life. it take so much stress and pressure off me. oh well. the show must go on
